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Last week we brought you the story of Max, a man who stood up his date when he discovered she lied about her body type. Now “athletic and toned” is another tricky description given my surroundings, particularly when I’m a member of Gold’s Gym (beef cake central). Anyone who has been to a Scottsdale club on a Saturday night, or a Monday for that matter, will know what I mean.

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Below are the available fitness options, and their real life translation.

(I want to make clear that I am truly not trying to make fun of the overweight here.

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Women also don’t want to be slender because it makes them sound small-chested or, as Kelly suggested, too body conscious. Honestly, as far as is concerned, there is not a person on Earth who is carrying a few extra pounds. Now, if you’re one of these tyrants who doesn’t care for a little extra padding on your dates, then curvy may not be for you.

So no one’s gonna put themselves in this category unless it’s absolutely necessary. Could be anywhere from: to: Honestly About Average can run from Chris Christie all the way to Christy Turlington. Which is curious, because when you walk down the street pretty much everyone you see is carrying a few extra pounds. If I find a women claiming to be curvy, I email her almost instantly, regardless of any further details. Have an alarming fondness for using symbols instead of words? But in my experience, curvy reads as a bit of a boast, a way of saying “I’ve got a figure you’re not gonna forget.” And rarely has that boast not followed through.

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Like “you could slip me under a locked door” necessary. I’ve been out with triathletes who for some reason consider their physique average, and bigger-sized women who weren’t willing to jump up to the higher categories. So when someone tells you they’re About Average, all they’re really saying is that they’re alive and a human. We should probably all be in this category, but we won’t admit it to ourselves, so let’s just move on. Unfortunately, ladies, the curvy category doesn’t exist for dudes. I think they’re nice ways of saying fat, but everyone who reads them just understands them as fat, so I really don’t know what the point is.

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